I aged another year on the 19th and this day renewed my thankfulness for many things, in particular about my family and God. One of my good friends recommended Psalm 139 for my birthday and it turned out to be amazing.
Warning! Long, LONG, super long post. You have been warned.
Here is the link to the Psalm on Biblegateway.org, a great resource. I like the Holman Christian Standard Bible, and thus have used that version.
A little sacrilegious to say, but the repeated use of this Psalm by David made me just skim through it upon first viewing. Countless Christian bands have written songs inspired by this Psalm, such as Matt Maher’s You Know Who I Am (me gusta). Whether reading at two in the morning or God decided to holler at me, I do not know, but I decided to re-read it: good decision, a real good one.
An idea constantly repeated throughout the Bible is how well God knows us. Everyone feels misunderstood or under-appreciated once in a while, maybe even abandoned. Though I know that I am well loved by my friends and family, I even harbor these intense emotions. Here David talks about how well God knows; heck, He even knows how often we stand up and sit down (v2); he even knows of how we think. I don’t offer certification on complete comprehension to anyone; even my dear mum sometimes feel clueless about what I do! She says that I’m eccentric in my own way (please don’t make me say unique). I highly value my friends who understand how I think and what I do because the good Lord knows there ain’t many; so my best pal up there knows and appreciates how I think, regardless what state I’m in: the good, the ugly and the boring. Let me get back to this later.
“[God] created my inmost being; [the Lord] knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (v. 13; HCSB) What a serene image! Anyone how has taken up knitting knows how this activity relieves stress; regardless of our origins, we are a product of love, of peace and of care. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made (v. 14, NIV)”; now here I find one of the best known parts of this psalm. I like how it’s phrased; we’re all pieces of art. While not all may not satisfy the superficial beauty standards, in the end, does it really matter? I mean, I don’t possess the beauty that snaps heads (over just turning heads), I realise that I’m beautiful in my own way. I don’t need to have some sapphire eyes, smooth skin nor sweet dimples (I’m digging the alliteration) to be myself; to my Saviour, these aspects matter not. Neither should the people that matter to me care of these cheap changes. What ultimately forms who I am does not depend on the world’s perception of me; rather, what I contain in my beating heart and in my electric brain. I guess I should be more apathetic to the perceptions of the world, least I be shackled to such a grave weight.
This apathy, actually, is easier said than carried out. I see my brothers and sisters in Christ fret over the most inconsequential, effervescent things, and I admit that I do, too. It’s hard not to do so. After all, we are of the flesh and are bound to the world until our time ends. I mean, the world’s standards aren’t limited to only looks; titles, wealth, circles of friends, society, even education… virtually everything can imprison our minds if we allow them to. God has blessed us with life and choice, and while we live, we need to make wise choices to preserve the truth within us even if calamities may try to beset us. And this brings me to my next point.
Everyone battles pain in our lives; sometimes God challenges us through them (Daniel 11:35); others we produce through self-destructive means (example Titus 3:3-8); and of course, there’s bad old Lucifer having some fun (Read the Book of Job). God knows the path, but we do not always and this clueless state can frustrate even the most patient of all of us. Being the quick-minded person I am, I get impatient and at times, even angry. (I’m getting better with this impatience though. Age can do amazing things. HA!) Anyways, everyone feels a little lost at times. Even the most virtuous can spiral down to disturbing ends. At times, I have thoughts that I’m embarrassed of; and I continuously try to be the one in control of my life. I sometimes succeed in fooling myself with this perspective, but I always deep down inside know that I’m wrong. I try to hide what I’ve done wrong, but God regardless of which extreme is there for me, there to be my last straw, there to be my comfort, my friend, my refuge (v 9-10). The path leads to many ways, but God knows the right way, so let him guide you through the dark. Even the abysmal dark to us does not hinder his protection on us; He understands light and dark too well and can see through for he created both light and dark.
The Psalm takes a sudden angle when David suddenly releases his fury about his enemies. This abrupt change of tone startled me and made me wonder about the hostility. But then I remembered that David was going through some hard times. That’s probably a really bad understatement, since, then king, Saul was trying to kill him to stay in power. I mean, look at it this way: God says I am to be great king, then bad king decides to decapitate me to prevent my ascendancy, and when I need the big dude most, He seems to have decided to zone out. I mean, for real? My reaction would be, “Hey you! You caused this mess, so solve this now before I lose my skin!” But do you know three things David did right? He a) was honest with God even amongst his anger and rage b) demanded that God implement justice (he understood that God was in control and it was not his job to murder Saul even if he had two chances) and c) remained faithful and grateful to God despite his seemingly impending death.
It’s really difficult to be honest with God, even if He knows everything. After all, He’s supreme justice of the universe, and we always want to wear our Sunday clothes in front of Him. I have a diary, kind of like a collection of letters to God. I realized early on that this journal was only between me and Him so what other people thought didn’t matter so I splurge out EVERYTHING. I know someone who also has a similar journal, but she has a slight difference in her methodology than mine. She weighed every word she wrote to the degree of calculating them. I asked her why she was so cautious (though I thought her carefulness applaudable), she said that she wanted her kids to read this later on, and that she wanted to be a good example. While I congratulate her for her foresight, I find this view to be flawed for the following simple reason: she’s lying. Well, that sounded worse than I wanted it to sound, so let me explain.
I’m a very passionate person. I care about what’s happening around me even to the injustices that we see every day. I hate to see the suffering, especially when it’s inflicted on such powerless people, such as children and some old people. It pains me so much, it brings tears to my eyes. This is no easy feat; my roommate never saw me cry for an entire year. Cheerful, strong and independent by nature, it takes a lot to actually get me down. But some suffering pangs my heart like none other. When I read of deaths due to turmoil, it angers me so much. I’m not going to lie, I get angry at God. I get angry at people’s ignorance and apathy, the fact that it happens and that I can’t change their lives. When I’m enraged, I let God know. God’s not only there for happy and sad moments, he’s their for the ugly, like I said earlier. He’s not a part-time God; he’s full-time, has been and will be for a long time. So this is what gets me. Since she knows that the God knows everything, by making everything G-rated, she’s not being honest with what she tells God; she’s editing what she’s feeling to show other people… twisting the truth inside her. I mean, if that’s the case, why even write at all? Prayer would be such a better way to be honest. For myself and many, writing is a cathartic medium for themselves exclusively; it’s not to please others. I mean, I’m not going to write every curse word known to man to get my point across, but when I’m angry/sad/depressed/euphoric/bored, I’ll let Him know, so at least I can talk about it. On top of that, her future kids don’t have to understand everything she wrote right away; some things take time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Rather than having to edit everything I wrote, I feel like I’m missing the whole point of writing itself.
I read in a Korean book on hurt and forgiveness (상처와 용서; 송봉모; 바오로딸 출판사), and it had a good message. To truly accept the hurt and move away from sinning through hatred, etc, you need to admit what happened. The first step for expressing oneself was to be honest. Say whatever that comes to your mind. God knows anyways; He’s not about to be shocked. It’s fine to be angry. Be honest with what you feel and make sure you say everything about it. (This can be done through prayer, meditation, literally talking to the Bible, whatever toasts your bread.) It’s not going to help you feel if you say that you’re annoyed, if in fact, you are torn, heart broken and crushed. Be honest with God, He’ll always be there for you, regardless of the situation. He loves us and embraces us despite all the wrong that we commit. Through Jeremiah 31:3, He shows that “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” He’s more than happy to take us back even after we were lost… he’s happy to have found us again.
Reading this Psalm helped me re-realize the importance of being truthful with God. He’s the only one that understands and knows everything; loves us despite all ugliness, sins and deceit. Why not give him a chance?
**
Though this reflection is unworthy, I would like to dedicate this post to my friend who recommended this psalm. Despite our countless disagreements and my rashness, she continues to be a steadfast and true friend. She graduated this year to follow her dreams, so here’s my way of expressing my gratitude for her of how she has helped me grow, not only in my faith, but also as a friend to all.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
- a beautiful Gaelic blessing
Looking back, September served as a transitional period for me in every sense; I went from living in dorms + at home to having my own apartment (with three roommates); I used to be a pre-pharmacy student, and now I am a legit pharmacy student. Two of my closest friends at Purdue have moved on with their lives (one moved to Pittsburgh & the other attends graduate school, and grad school has adsorbed him thoroughly); my brother is back in the United States; even my life goals have transformed. In the previous two years, I had been so focused on getting into pharmacy school that I feel like I’ve missed out on other life aspirations; I don’t know. Just about anything from learning how to cook to looking at what my ultimate professional, nay, life goals could be. Now that I’m in pharmacy school, I’m trying to figure out what is it that I exactly want to do – everything seems so fascinating (and oh so demanding). I’m currently doing the Nuclear Pharmacy certification (one of the several specialisations a pharmacist can pursue.), but I’ve seen a new light in clinical pharmacy (especially oncology), and even industrial pharmacy has mesmerised me. I guess I have ample time to determine my direction, but sometimes I wonder I need to figure out what I want for myself, non-professionally, I mean.
As a child, migraines were part of my life. Puberty granted me the blessing of headaches. Pharmacy school brought my childhood back. In October alone, I had eight exams. That doesn’t sound that bad, except that each exam covered what two exams would in a typical undergraduate class. Now that I look back to it, it doesn’t seem as bad, but at the time… well, with homework, quizzes and other obligations, further excruciated by the lack of sleep, everything seemed to spell doom.
